Make Yourself Less Available & Find The Peace You're Craving
Go against the grain for your own wellbeing
Dear friend,
Maybe I'm just too nostalgic (or maybe I'm just getting old), but I remember a time that felt particularly special, a certain feeling I haven't felt for a couple of decades.
It was the late 90s - early 2000s, and I was just a bumbling kid. I played outside with my friends until the dark red skies faded into black before I had to come home by 8 pm.
I did this after school almost every day. We played at the bottom of our road, and even when we weren't playing any particular game or jumping off walls, we just hung out.
It was blissful.
We would sit there on the grass looking up at the sky, just because. Sometimes, we would talk about the new VHS our parents bought us and other times, we would nervously talk about the girls we liked at school.
I've been asking myself if I tend to look back on those simple days with a big pair of rose-tinted glasses.
Maybe there's an element of that.
But whilst I know those days weren't perfect, there's one thing I'm sure of: I had little anxiety.
And not because I was a child and didn’t have a bunch of responsibilities on my mind. I'm talking about the kind of low-level constant humming anxiety many of us feel today, and I can't help but sense it is due to always being available.
Some may say this is silly. After all, being always available has its perks. It's a great way to check in on friends whenever you want, for example. It's a great way to find out if you have forgotten to pick something up from the shop.
But I would argue that the low-level hum of this background anxiety is one of the reasons many of us find ourselves so anxious these days, and we don't even realise it.
It's a subtle anxiety, barely noticeable, yet it's there.
Back then, I was never available. It was just me and my friends, making the most of the moment.
Always being available is robbing us of these moments.
We never quite fully commit to the present moment in case there is something we forget to check on our phones.
We're not able to fully immerse ourselves in our current space and time in case someone in our pocket also needs our attention more than the person we are standing next to or looking at across a table.
You've no doubt experienced this humming background anxiety
It's the person who leaves their phone on the restaurant table because they might get a text any minute about a delivery back home.
It's the person who keeps glancing at their phone whilst you're trying to have a Sunday morning coffee with them.
It's the person who is mindlessly scrolling their phone whilst you're trying to watch a movie with them.
It's the friend who can't stop messaging in their group chats, swapping funny memes when you're out at the pub.
It’s the person who keeps biting their nails trying to find a cafe with WiFi to check if their boss has sent them a message.
It's the friend with whom you're trying to have a conversation, but you can tell their mind is somewhere else as they nervously wait for a message from their angry spouse.
It's the friend who feels awkward when you're in a group, so they escape to their phone instead.
Our constant availability puts us on edge and makes us anxious.
I believe that this is the main reason why we find it so difficult to appreciate our current moment and it’s making us unhappy.
There is a device in our pockets that not only robs us of being able to enjoy the present but also gives us a mindless distraction if our present moment is too uncomfortable.
We’re no longer able to build the skill of overcoming uncomfortable situations.
Back when I used to play at the bottom of my road with my friends, I remember having awkward situations that we simply had to endure.
For example, a friend would bring some of their friends that I didn't know. What I might do today in this kind of situation is pretend I am busy on my phone so I wouldn’t have to talk so much to them.
Back then, I had no choice but to gradually get to know them and overcome that uncomfortable awkwardness.
This was a skill that I built up over time. I'm now quite good at talking to new people, and I put a lot of it down to that skill I built over the years growing up without any easy distractions.
Mindful reflection exercise: ask yourself how often you notice this in your life. How often do you find yourself pulling out your phone, and you’re not particularly sure why? How often do you reach for your phone to avoid something around you? How often do you reach for your phone if you think something more interesting might be going on online than in your current moment? How often do you see people discuss ideas without searching for immediate answers online?
The phone isn't the problem; it’s our attachment
This post isn’t about judging people. I still reach for my phone from time to time throughout the day to check things when I know I don’t need to. It’s a bad habit that still steals my moments.
This post isn’t even about demonizing smartphones. I love technology, and I think phones should be embraced. After all, they make life easier and are not going anywhere.
More to the point, I wouldn’t be able to check Substack without my phone when I’m on the go!
But I think it’s important to become mindful of our level of attachment to our phones and how they make us constantly available to the world.
For example, early last year, I woke up and found my phone hadn’t charged overnight. I was rather upset. I tried to charge it up, but because it was such an old phone and on its last legs, the 10% I managed to charge ran out before I even stepped into the office that morning.
I wondered how I would get through the day without checking my emails or messages in my group chats.
I was surprised at just how panicked I felt.
But this experience opened my eyes to just how reliant I was on my phone. Without it, I felt like I was missing out, and it genuinely agitated me to the point where I began to get annoyed with myself for not checking that my charger was plugged in the night before.
An energised life is a present one
I know I won’t ever be able to re-live those warm summer nights with my friends again, at least, not in the way I used to. It’s a different world these days and that’s okay.
Even though I carry my phone with me everywhere, I have become much better at making myself less available not just to the whole world, but to my phone itself.
Here is how I am working on being more present. These are intentional changes that I have to be mindful of every day but they are certainly helping me and making me happier and calmer in each moment.
1. I put all group chats on silent
Most of us are in a bazillion “group chats” these days. To be honest with you, I find it incredibly difficult to keep up with them all and it’s quite stressful. One thing I have done to become less available and keep my focus is to put them all on silent mode. I then check them at a certain time of the day if I need to catch up, instead of scrolling them throughout the day.
2. I keep my phone in my pocket when out
Another thing I do when I’m out with friends or family is keep my phone in my pocket as much as possible. This is a difficult thing to do of course but it helps me to fully engage with the people I’m with, rather than the ones flooding my phone with notifications. This is an intentional habit I remind myself to do because I think it’s important to give the people in front of you your full attention. That’s the whole point of being present!
3. I’ve eased off social media
One of the biggest ways I’ve made myself less available to the world is to make social media less important. A few years ago I asked myself a simple question; “Is it really all that important to me?” The answer was “No.” That gave me all the permission I needed to delete apps and focus on things that are more productive. I stopped saying “Happy birthday” to everyone on Facebook and stopped posting pretty much all together. I essentially came off the “hamster wheel” and realised I was fine to do so. Less engagement means less reason to check notifications.
4. I’ve de-cluttered my phone
I think a clean environment = a clear mind. I’ve deleted a whole bunch of other apps on my phone that were distracting me constantly. I thought about what I really needed from my phone and it came down to messaging, music and things like Substack, the places where I write. Having fewer things “pinging” you all day will drastically enhance your ability to be present.
5. I started to leave my phone in other rooms
Since I can remember I would always make sure I had my keys, wallet and phone on me at all times. These were my “essentials”. But now I have started to leave my phone in other rooms whilst I’m at home. It sounds like such a simple thing to do but it’s really helped me to stay more present. This is because when I have the urge to reach into my pocket to check my phone, there’s nothing there and this small action is helping me to change the habit. If I really want to check my phone, I’ll have to get up and get my phone. But most of the time I’m fine with leaving it.
What is your relationship like with your phone? Do you find it difficult to be present in your moments? I’d love to hear about it!
Until next time, stay present, enjoy your moments and most importantly, enjoy your life.
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